THE GREAT PURSUIT

Just a week ago I was sitting in my bed, frustrated with myself. Probably not for what many would think, though. See, it was just a week ago that I got on the phone with my mother and was told that the tunnel that I thought my family was finally seeing the light at the end was now no closer to the end. We were back in another valley, yes, another one. I quickly sat down after I got off of the phone and started reassuring myself of the promises I had in God and that there was a plan in place that would bring us out. Well, that was what I did for a short time... Then I stopped. I stopped and started doubting whether or not there was even a plan in place for my family. Through this journey that my family has been on, I continually tell myself that God has a plan, but for the first time in this journey, I became exhausted. I was tired of telling myself that same thing but never seeing it come true. And if it came true, it seemed to be quickly taken away again. That was my situation just one week ago. But it wasn’t quite that simple. Now, after all of that, I was in a battle with myself, between my heart and my mind. My mind believed with everything that God had not yet walk away from us, but my heart was aching, it was crying out for an answer to our trouble. It needed God to show up in a big way, not some theological answer that Got had a purpose for this hardship. Not theology, but God. I needed a god who would walk beside me and carry me when I needed it.

So, I became frustrated, not with God, but with myself. Why? Because of this exact battle! My mind was frustrated with my heart for doubting God’s faithfulness. My mind was holding to God’s steadfast love, while my heart was needing more than a promise, it needed an action. This idea of conflict between the head and heart comes from David in Psalm 42:

"As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God... Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you."

David was in turmoil while in a battle with himself. He knew of God’s steadfast love, but his heart was still downcast, it was still aching, it was still in need of more than promises. Yet, while his heart was struggling to believe, his mind was telling his heart to “Hope in God.” Sometimes we need these moments, sometimes we need to have that battle within ourselves to test our faith. It doesn’t always take some outside warfare you conquer to show your faith, but sometimes it is just the inward ones that can do that.

So, this was my situation, this is where I was at, stuck in a battle with my mind and my heart. Struggling to find the answer. That psalm was one thing that helped me, but sometimes you need more. Sometimes you need a voice to tell you what to do. For me, in this moment, without even realizing what I was doing, my pastor’s number was already typed in my phone to text and ask to get on a call. In this call he told me a very important thing I needed to do: pray. I needed to bring this unrest to God. I needed to come before him and ask him to help me believe again, to help my unbelief turn to belief, to find joy in him again. That is what David did to himself, he told his heart to remember God and to praise him. That is one hard thing to do: praise God in the storm. But it's what we must do.

So, that was my life just a week ago. And after the wrestling, after the phone call, after the hours spent in scripture alone with God, a subtle light showed up again. So, I prayed that night harder than I may have in a long time. That little light of joy was one that I couldn’t let fade away. In that prayer, one that was more of begging God for joy in him, this phrase came to mind and I prayed it to God: “Thank you God for loving me even when I doubted you. Thank you for never ceasing to find me where I am at and save me. Thank you, God, for your great pursuit of me!” And with that thought came to mind the story of the Prodigal Son. Saving the space, I won’t add it to this post, but for those that don’t know it, this story tells of a son who came to his father while he was still alive and asked for his portion of inheritance and ran away and wasted it all away on a party lifestyle. This led to him losing all of his money and ending up eating from the feeding bin with the pigs. How low down you have to be to eat pig slop? Well, just about as low down as he was. Then a thought came to him: “Hey, even my father’s servants get better than this. I will go and ask to be his servant because I am no longer worthy to be his son.” Wonder how long he rehearsed that one? Probably the whole trip home.

Before moving on, it should be noted that this son has completely humiliated his father and his family's name. He has done something that was unthought of in his culture, and I am sure the whole town had caught wind of it. Seeing him partying away one day and then eating with the pigs the next. Can you imagine the humiliation his father felt? How about the disdain he felt towards his son? Probably said something like, “Good riddance and have a good life, I want nothing more to do with him. He has humiliated me, he has betrayed me, and he has left me even though I provided everything for him!” Well, he had a right to say all of those things, but didn’t. Instead, he did the exact opposite:

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him... The father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate."

This is important, so don’t miss it because this is the great pursuit that God has for us: not only did the father welcome his son home, but he was so happy to have his son home that he didn’t even wait for his son to get to the house, but ran to him. HE RAN, not walked, not jogged, but RAN. Then he did what no one would think: he hugged him, he kissed him, he celebrated his homecoming! Despite all that the son did, the humiliation he caused his father, his father did not count a single wrong against him, but welcomed him home with open arms!

God does that for us, he did that for me just a week ago. God supplied everything I needed to get through this valley, and yet I still doubted him and his plans. God has proven himself over and over again to me and then just one valley later I was leaving him behind. But God pursued me, he loved me, he welcomed me back with open arms as though I had believed him all along. this is the great pursuit God has for us, not waiting for us to get to the front porch, but seeing us on the horizon and RUNNING to meet us and love us! He didn’t wait for me to wrestle my way out of my unbelief, but he showed up in the middle of a match I was clearly losing and got me out of it and then welcomed me back.

LIVING FOR THE ETERNAL

We all wrestle between our heart and our mind. One is hurting and the other is telling you to believe that it will get better. But sometimes the pain speaks louder than the reasoning, and that’s okay. If the man that was called “A man after God’s own heart” can struggle with his heart, so can you. That’s why God chose to put it in the Bible, so you could see that it is real, and that even the most popular people of the Bible struggle with it. But this is the key: Don’t lose faith! God will carry you through. Sometimes it won’t be easy, sometimes it requires trimming of the bad branches, but it is always out of love of the Father. God never leaves and never forsakes you in your hardships! Even when you think the hand of God isn’t moving, his whole self is pursuing you in your doubt! Hold to that truth until the hardships of this life are over and we all get the Heaven and see God and finally, after it all, we see that our belief in him was worth it all!